Ouch, My Head

Part of the problem is that you reach a plateau and think it is the summit. And as you sit there feeling satisfied, it finally dawns that there is further to go, more mountain to climb. This realization is devastating! It catapults me into depression and robs me of weeks of productivity because I just can’t fathom the idea of starting the struggle again.

But there is no solution but to set sights on the next stop and start on my way. I think I’ve had a week to mourn the fact that I’m not in the homeward stretch. There is such a long way to go and I just couldn’t face it for a while.

Post-doc applications are nearly complete, nothing now to do but what on the largess of the Canada Council to flow in my direction. Cross fingers.

In the past three months things have started to go surprisingly well. I am motoring along on my chapters and have now submitted two to my supervisor. He is relaxing at his cottage this weekend and supposedly giving them deep consideration. He even suggested a real live phone call next week. If I thought he had read the chapters already this would terrify me, but he’s probably just trying to avoid having to type his comments.

In the middle of all this cheery progress I have been forced to stop working and look at my post-doctoral future. Do I have one? Who knows. I’m writing an application to study a whole new subject (of course logically built on my vast understanding and research) that will carry me through the next two years. Slowly putting each piece into place so that I can save my career. One of the hardest things about all of this is putting your future into the hands of a shadowy body of experts. Can only hope they see things my way and dispense the largess of the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council in my direction. It has happened before, and they say lightening always strikes the same spot in academe. Who knows.

Here’s to another several months in my windowless room. Getting paid to do it would make all the difference.